A
year ago today I received a call at 6am telling me that they had taken
my brother to the hospital via ambulance and that he would be there
until he passed. The bleeding in his brain couldn’t be stopped. I got
up, got ready, and went into work. Looking back, I think that I was in
shock. Why the hell would I go to work? When I got there, I told my
boss and his boss what was going on. They told me to leave, but
realizing that I would be out the entire next week for my birthday, I
told them I would stay. I sat down, turned on my computer, and stared at
the screen. I didn’t move. I just stared at the screen. For a moment, I
felt like I was alone on an island. I was completely alone. I blinked
twice, stood up, walked to my boss’s office and said, “I need to go and
I’m not sure when I will be back.” I went home, packed a suitcase in
record time, threw my dogs in my truck and hit the road. I remember that
I had downloaded a book entitled “Real Love” for the drive. I got onto
the freeway and didn’t stop until I was 7 hours into my 10 hour drive
with a tear stained face. I got out and I just stood there. I was losing
that kid that had changed my world when I was 7 years old. After a 10
year fight with cancer, this was it. I was numb. I didn’t know what to
feel. As I drove into town, my brother Tim met me at the hospital doors
and took my dogs and the truck to my mom’s house. I went up to Kevin’s
room. I won’t go into all of the details on the next 24 hours out of
respect for him and my family, but, he passed on the 13th of last year.
52 weeks tomorrow, and that was it. Everything changed. I spent the rest
of that week and the next with my family. My birthday is the 19th of
July and I refused to celebrate it. My family baked a cake and I allowed
that but refused candles, happy birthday songs, and all I wished for is
that my brother knew how much I loved him. He was that crazy kid that
you couldn’t help but love. He and I had so many opportunities to spend
time together throughout the years. We had a Christmas tradition of
watching a horror movie and baking cookies. I think he thought it was
silly, but, I hope that where ever he is now, he knows I did it because I
just wanted the memories with him.
Memories…they can really kick
you in the ass sometimes. I was thinking a lot about memories this
weekend. There are times when people leave us and it isn’t always
because of death. There we are sitting on the ground and dealing with
the memories. How do we put them in their proper place so that we can
still move forward? There are times in life that we have to figure out
how to survive them. Writing works for me, in fact, I wrote so much this
weekend that if I have a few more weekends like this last one, I will
have my book finished by the end of the summer. It doesn’t matter how we
lose someone, the pain of their absence is still the same. It is so
hard to close chapters, but, it is so important to remember that we have
a future of chapters waiting for us. This is a hard week for me and
obviously the reason for a second blog entry.
Bury the person
that you left behind and take a deep breath. Be open to the joy and
evolution of the next chapter. Life is beautiful even when some of the
experiences are not. I promise that if you will just breathe through it
all and embrace the experience, it will allow a release and healing that
you never believed possible. I miss a lot of people that have come and
gone. I tuck the memories away and I value the lesson no matter how
difficult it was. Sometimes, it’s a hard thing to release, however, if
we hold on to it, we never move forward. You have to remember that
moving forward is the best part of living. Forgive people that aren’t
who you thought they were and be thankful that you have survived the
pain. You are strong and life is a miracle.
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